12-30-2010 Personal Post #3: The Hardest Part

"Even when Your dad is bad,

You don't want him to leave because he's still Your father...."

(An eight year-old boy)

"Love: the Quest...Marriage: the Conquest...Divorce: the Inquest"

(Helen Rowland)

"i've never been married, but i tell people i'm divorced

so they won't think there's something wrong with me...."

(Elayne Booser)

"You never really know a man, until You have divorced him...."

(Zsa Zsa Gabor)

"A divorce is like an amputation: You survive it, but there's less of You...."

(Margaret Atwood)

Since today is a Personal Post Day, i am going to write about the effects of divorce on my relationship with my daughter.  i have always tried to be honest and – beyond mere honesty – open with people about my Life.  While i do keep some things private to protect me and also to help me stay sane, i feel that it is important for me to share what is happening in my Life in all aspects.  After all, if i don’t, who will?  There aren’t genuine people in the world much anymore – and certainly not ones that will be honest about both their strengths and their faults.  And to find someone who will share about their Life openly – without You having to pin them down to get the smallest piece of information – forget about it.  In my case, i am trying to do all of that and also put that stuff into the context of being True to who i am: a disciple of Y’shua, a royal member of a ruling family, and a person who still struggles.  i hope You can hear these blog posts for what they are: an attempt to walk out a real ChristLife in front of You – not the plastic, fake, put-Your-best-foot-forward kind of junk You get from most people who claim to have any kind of a relationship with God.

i suppose the worst thing about being married is what happens when You’re not any more.  i never really contemplated what divorce would be like until about 9 years into my marriage.  i didn’t get married having ever considered the curse of divorce.  So, as a man who wanted to be faithful, was for a long time in some of the worst circumstances, and then found myself divorced, it is still taking some adjustment.  That’s OK – i can take the change and all that comes with it.  Who i worry about is my daughter.  i wish she had never been born….

That wish is not because of anything to do with her – she’s the most amazing kid i know.  my ex-wife is an amazing person, and i’m not the worst person to ever Live (although that’s how i’m often portrayed).  Given that, my daughter had a pretty good start genetically.  She has had lots of amazing people in her Life, too, so she has been developing in a great context – until now.

i worry for my daughter.  i say i wish she had never been born, because i hate that she will have to deal with the crap of a divorce when it had nothing to do with her.  i worked for Child Protective Services for a bit, and i saw first-hand the effects of broken families on children.  i know the stats.  i’ve seen the devastation.  It is not a pretty picture, and i hate it with all of my being.

For me, divorce is a good thing.  It has its ups & downs, and it has its good & bad.  Overall, though, it is a good thing for me.

In terms of its practical consequences in my day-to-day Life, it has been mostly negative.  The only Truly accurate analogy i have been able to relate to is that i feel like a convict who has just been released after serving a 12 year prison sentence: i’m free (and, obviously, glad about that), but my past prevents me from certain things due to people’s assumptions, judgments, & self-righteousness.  Doors that used to open are locked now.  It’s alright, i will make it.  It’s just that much harder than it was before….

However, for my daughter, it’s worse instead of better.  She moves back and forth between houses, of course, from our old large house to my tiny, cramped apartment.  There’s no room to cook like we used to do or for her to go and play outside or to even have a room to herself.  Spending time together is a chore – neither one of us like it.  She doesn’t like it, because i’m not good at playing little kid games and i just struggle to get through the weekends praying that Sunday at 6:00 PM will come as soon as possible.  i don’t like it, because i don’t have much of anything to share with her.  That’s the thing about divorce (at least for a man): it leaves You without anything of value to share (from money to authority to whatever You can imagine).  i end up wishing most of the time that i just never had to see my daughter again….

Then, there’s the brokenness.  Not only do i not have anything to offer my daughter (except Love, and – yes – i get that Love should be enough and all of that crap), but i am infecting her with my brokenness.  When i was married, i used to wake up every day sad about the possibility of infecting my daughter with my awfulness.  Now, when she comes over, there is this mad push to fit in as much activity as possible in the few hours we have together – which is exactly opposite of how i Live.  i now know why “Sunday fathers” can’t make it work: human relationships can’t be all good and they also can’t be all about the perqs in Life.  There has to be the bad, too, to give a relationship credibility.  That’s why dating is so stupid – dating shows the good and not the bad.  It’s the same with the flow in a relationship.  When my daughter Lived with my ex-wife & i, there were “down” times where my daughter would be playing in her room or outside or where we would sit and watch TV together for no special reason or where i would be cooking while the two of them were bathing the dogs or whatever.  That NEVER happens when You’re divorced, because every minute is dedicated to some specific task in order to make it “quality time.”  Well, the sad Truth is that there is no such thing as “quality” time; there’s time and that’s it.  There’s no difference between quantity and quality – that’s a made up, arbitrary distinction by people trying to justify something (usually themselves).

i feel bad about never wanting to see my daughter again.  i feel bad about not wanting to be married any more.  i feel terrible about having made the stupid decision to get married in the first place.  i can’t describe how wretched i feel about having decided to have kids and how now i have ruined a very important part of her Life.  And, i feel bad about having ruined my Life, too.  It’s all just a series of unbelievably poor decisions….

i didn’t have kids to raise in a divorced family.  Kids shouldn’t be raised in a divorced family.  It’s the exact opposite of what i wanted.  Now, she has multiples of everything.  There are multiple Christmases and homes and belief systems and even opinions about her parents.  Most people can’t handle one reality – much less multiples.

If i could go back and do anything different in my Life, it would be to not get married.  That was the first mistake that dominoed into a series of catastrophic pains, losses, & wastes.  Now, 12 years of my Life have been ruined with almost everything either destroyed completely or ruined beyond use and with little of any value to hold onto, and i have hurt my ex-wife, contaminated my daughter with my legacy, & effectively handicapped my own self.  Staying single – even with all its loneliness – was so much better of an option, but (to a naïve young man who knew no better) i just couldn’t have been bothered to stay the course….

This may seem like a depressing post, and maybe it is.  However, i am excited about my Life for the first season since making the mistake to get married.  The sky is beginning to clear a bit, and i actually want to be aLive most days.  The Blog helps…to have something to do and a place to share my meager thoughts.  If i could, i’d do it all differently.  However, i can’t redo it, so might as well keep walking forward….

12-29-2010 Theological Post #3: Required Reading

“If history were taught in the form of stories, it would never be forgotten…”

(Rudyard Kipling)

“Why do You think the old stories tell of men who set out on great journeys to impress the gods?  Because trying to impress people just isn't worth the time & effort...”

(Henry Rollins)

“People have forgotten how to tell a story.  Stories don't have a middle or an end any more.  They usually have a beginning that just never stops beginning…”

(Steven Spielberg)

“i wanted a perfect ending.  Now i've learned — the hard way — that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, & end...”

(Gilda Radner)

“People create stories create people; or rather stories create people create stories...”

(Chinua Achebe)

“People don't want their Lives fixed.  Nobody wants their problems solved.  Their dramas, their distractions, their stories resolved — their messes cleaned up.  Because what would they have left?  Just the big scary unknown...”

(Chuck Palahniuk)

“Some stories are True that never happened...”

(Elie Wiesel)

Recently, i spent time with a friend.  She is an amazing person: intelligent, fun, easy to be around, and loyal (among many other good qualities).  Some people around her notice these traits and appreciate her.  Many do not.  What a shame — for them i mean....

Due to her trustworthiness & competency, she is always being identified in any work environment as someone to be entrusted with responsibility, and her relational posture of not judging, engaging with people in the moment, & injecting genuine laughter into her interpersonal interactions wins her much relational equity with her colleagues.  Her devotion to her children — like most mothers — makes the natural move toward symbiosity hard on everyone because of the friction between the natural growth pattern and need for a child to mature into interdependence and yet want to stay dependent.  Her friends need her, because they — like everyone — need someone to care about them, and they don’t find people like her very often….

As we conversed, she talked to me about her feelings of being “disposable” and the struggle she has had all her Life with fearing “being replaced.”  She deals — like most of us — with the tension of knowing that we are inherently valuable and yet receiving from others not only a lack of validation and support and affirmation but — worse — the opposite.  In case You haven’t heard this before, psychologists say that it takes about 100 positive “deposits” into our “emotional bank account” to counteract every one (single) negative “withdrawal.”  Astounding, but very understandable — at least to me….

Due to the conditioning of the spiritual government ruling this world and the force of the funneling involved in the torque of the systems which that government has entrenched (financial, medical, legal, educational, etc.) into the fabric of the creation, people are not usually kind to one another.  Instead of speaking grace, we tend to speak judgment.  We are inclined to gossip instead of give the benefit of the doubt…to step on others to excel or advance instead of stepping aside to make way for others and curry good favor…to condemn instead of extend mercy…to assail instead of defend…to ignore rather than invest…to be selfish instead of selfless…to hurt rather than to heal.  That is the way of humanity in the vortex of this world with its fallen disposition and lack of clear vision of divinity and decided deficit of hope.  It’s always amazed me that the suicide rate isn’t over 50%, but i know that the only reason it is not higher is not because of any healthy or laudable pursuit but rather because most people are just either too greedy or too vain to extinguish their own existence…

For my friend, i wished that i could just reach into her soul and inject a vial of healthy self-talk and a rationless supply of encouragement and a positive made-in-the-image-of-God self-portrait that would serve as parts of a boundary like a foundation, pillars, and bricks to keep out both the decay & rust that comes with the natural course of being aLive as well as the predators that actively seek to end our Lives prematurely.  Alas, i cannot just flip switches like that, but i wish every day that i could…

Today’s Theology topic is uniqueness, and it’s one of the most important topics of which i know.  The Scripture declares, “For God so Loved the world that He gave His unique & one-of-a-kind son…”.  The problem with that Scripture is that we think that description only applied to Y’shua, when — in fact — it applies to each human being.  That is not any diminishing of the uniqueness of LORD Y’shua — it is a recalibration of our perceptions of one another…

There is so much in our culture that degrades us, defeats us, diminishes us, desensitizes us, destroys us, and so precious little that uplifts us, exhorts us, encourages us, validates us, endorses us.  That is not an accident — it is by design.  It is not the original design, and it is not the intended design, but — make no mistake about it — it is by a sinister counter-design.  Given that opposition that contends with us every minute of every day, one might be tempted to think that we would take up each other’s cause and come to the aid of those around us.  However, our own preoccupation with the war at our own doorstep as well as our pride to think whatever well-manicured lawn we might have to be immune from dog shit and our own selfishness that argues incessantly to us “just don’t get involved” render us normally unwilling and sometimes incapable of assisting others — much less rescuing them….

At the heart of this lack of body-cellular behavior is a lack of understanding our inherent uniquity (my term for “uniqueness,” because 1) i like it better and 2) i like the way it counters the term “iniquity,” which is not under discussion here but lurks in the shadows of this discussion).  We are each made in the image of the Creator, and He creates us — not like Frankenstein created his monster with a sinister knowledge, an ethical lapse, and a hope come True — but rather perfectly.  Sure, we have blind spots and deficits and holes, but those are not mistakes — they are signals to us of our personal limits and our needs for our Creator and His other creations.  And yet, each of us is different, and we each have a particular disposition and personality and natural talent set and call and destiny.  Essentially, we are stories — stories being written that are waiting to be read….

So, who are You reading lately?  Whose story is engrossing You?

Here’s a part of the problem (as i see it) that You can solve: We don't typically pay any attention to either our own stories or the stories of the people around us.  We miss the sweeping arcs of the narrative trajectories and the great themes and the nuanced subplots and the character development and the scene Lighting and the cinematography and the symbols and the set design.  Change that!  Think of being engaged in the Lives of those people within Your purview as Your "Required Reading" assignment.  Even better: Don’t read their stories — watch their movies.

Those people around You aren’t there by accident, either.  You’re not in the city You’re in by random molecular occurrence.  You don’t Live in the time in which You exist due to “fate” or some other inanimate force.  You don’t have the limits or the extents You possess in Your person due to some chaotic cosmic roulette.  No.  Rabbi Paul said, “In [our Creator], we Live and move and have our being…,” and he taught that the Creator determines our habitations and boundaries and epochs.  You are not a chance happening, and You are certainly not an accident — and You are most definitely not a mistake.  You are a creation designed by a Master Artist with a purpose that is eternal and a usefulness that is profound and You fill a need that only You can fill….

Rabbi Paul teaches us that when one of our Body (of the Messiah, Y’shua Christos) rejoices, all of us should rejoice, but he also instructs that when one of us suffers, we all suffer.  It doesn’t matter whether or not we admit that we are suffering or if we’re aware of our suffering or if we embrace our suffering — those issues and many others are beside the point.  The Truth is that when one of us suffers, we all suffer.  When one of us is diminished, we are all diminished.  When one of us is hurt, we are all affected.  That is the nature of a body, but it is not the nature of a community.  Often in a community, one person’s demise means another person’s rise.  That is why we are called a “body” and not a community, because we are fundamentally bound to one another in ways that are inexplicable in temporal and earthly language….

In the movie Avatar, they have a saying: “i see You….”  It is the way they acknowledge one another in a substantial, impactful way.  Who do You see?  Hagar cried out in the desert upon her rescue, “i have seen the God Who sees me!”  The LORD Y’shua talked about us having “eyes to see.”  Faith is defined partially as the “evidence of things not seen.”  What movie are You watching?  Whose Life are You seeing?

And are You rooting for them?  Are You booing when the bad guys appear and standing up to throw popcorn at the screen while You sneer?  Are You crying when the hero You’re watching gets hurt, because You share in their loss?  Are You cheering when they overcome and high-fiving the friends around You?  What’s the reaction from the Great Cloud of Witnesses?  Were You even aware that other saints are watching the movie with You?

How’s the movie of Your daughter’s Life progressing or Your friend’s story unfolding or any one of the ones in Your circle of grace & sphere of influence developing?  What’s happening to them?  How are they doing?  Are they making it?  Barely You say…You don’t know — haven’t kept up with them…they were “fine” the last time You checked.  Really?  Really?  Is that good enough for You?  Is that what You hope for from the people destined to share space & time with You?

Years ago, i learned from my Master that the middle of a story is necessary, but it hardly seems necessary when You can read the whole story from beginning to end.  The secret is to engage with the whole story at whatever point in it You find Yourself.  If You fail to engage with the conflict because You know the ending (whether good or bad), then You cheat Yourself of the richness of the experience.  That goes for the stories of others, too — not just Your own story….

Today, don't grow cold or calloused or indifferent or apathetic.  Lighthouses covered in ice don't tend to do jack.  Instead, lean in to the Holy Spirit and let Him show You the uniqueness of Your own ChristLife, but know that You won’t be able to survive the assault on Your identity on Your own.  You’ll need the help of others to move from survival to flourishing.  So, more than You pay attention to Your own uniquity, pay attention to the uniquity of others — and then be their buoy.  It might just end up changing Your experience….

Rabbi Paul told his friends, “…whatever is True, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is Lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, then think about such things. Whatever You have learned or received or heard from me — or seen in me — put it into practice, and the God of peace will be with You...”.

There’s no other “You.”  Never has been, never will be.  You are unique — just like everybody else.  You might as well be a snowflake.  Know the cool thing about snowflakes?  Other people come along and make angels out of them….

12-28-2010 Cultural Post #3: Go West, Young Man…

“If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society must set the artist free to follow his vision wherever it takes him…”  (John F. Kennedy)

“It is not part of a True culture to tame tigers any more than it is to make sheep ferocious…”  (Henry David Thoreau)

“A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots…”  (Marcus Garvey)

This weekend, i watched again The Book Of Eli, which was immediately upon my Favorite 10 Films Of All-Time List.  It is a story about the faith of a man called to walk West: the faith to hear, the faith to obey, the faith to persevere, the faith to fail, the faith to contribute, the faith to save while being saved, the faith to pass on to others while passing through this Life.  It’s an amazing film in several ways, but the story is what repeatedly Blesses me….

Faith is the thing that i think most people don’t understand about culture.  See, a culture is an amalgamation.  It is the melding of mores, customs, rituals, habits, rules, laws, ceremonies, and anything else that make up how a particular group of people are distinguished from any other person or persons based on a comparison.  At the very center of every culture is what it believes, and at the very center of every belief is what is supposed to be trustworthy behind the suppositional belief…

Today, what i want to briefly discuss is the necessity of those who fancy themselves “artists” having faith.  Every artist has faith, but not all of them acknowledge it – usually because they believe that to acknowledge faith is akin to acknowledging God.  Well, no need for that kind of nonsense – just because one doesn’t believe in God or denies believing in God has nothing to do with in what or whom one places his or her faith.  Faith isn’t an option for human beings – everyone has faith whether or not they admit it, acknowledge it, believe it (no pun intended), are cognizant of it, like or dislike it, etc.  Faith is a requirement of being aLive.  The only question is, “In what or whom do You place Your faith?”

As artists (people who are known for their creativity being the most prominent feature of what they do everyday), we place our faith in something.  Humanists place their faith in humans, Christians in the Messiah called “Christ,” atheists in their dedication to the proposition that there is no such thing as divinity (and, therefore, certainly not deity), etc.  But make no mistake – every artist places his/her faith in something or someone…

An often under-appreciated aspect of accessing creativity is inspiration.  To be inspired is what every artist craves, because it sparks the creative “flow” and is like saliva building when You smell a steak or pressure building when steam boils.  The creative impulse follows the inspiration and – voila! – out pops some amazing piece of creative endeavor that is crudely referred to as “art.”  It may be a poem or a painting or an architectural design or a business idea or a song or a piece of clothing or a story or whatever, but You can bet that most times it was the result of an inspiration.  And inspiration means that something or someone over which You have no control whatsoever moved You and caused the flood to flash…

The tricky thing about inspiration is that it’s attached to faith, because oftentimes the inspiration comes from the one in whom we place our faith: a spouse or Lover, a caretaker, a politician, a god.  So, without faith, there would be much less inspiration in the world.  Sorry, but i’m not climbing any mountains or swimming any seas without being in Love with someone on the other side.  If i’m not inspired by the Love i have for the person in whom i’m placing my faith, then i’ll just stay here on my couch and watch the Cowboys lose again instead of acting like i am a triathlete (which, of course, i clearly am not)….

Faith is essential to artists, because faith incubates inspiration.  And the mature fruit produced from inspiration that is nourished by faith reflects that faith and comes out in the aforementioned ceremonies or artifacts or beliefs or whatever makes up that group’s culture.  Today, as You go about Your evening, remember to let inspiration happen when it seemingly randomly and spontaneously comes, because it’s not random or spontaneous at all.  Something or someone is in charge of it coming to You – You just don’t see the micro-level providence of that inspiration.  Rest assured, though, that inspiration comes from those in whom You place Your faith, and the yield of Your inspiration will help decorate Your Life for those who come after You to walk in hallways of lore, to look back and tell stories of the past, and to look forward with courage of a bright future.

Faith is essential to culture.  Actually, maybe i should say that culture results from faith.  When You kiss Your kid goodnight at bedtime or make Love or remain silent during a funeral or applaud after a performance or write a piece of software or double-check Your engineering project or remodel a shower or translate for someone in a store or whatever, remember that You are showing Your culture – and the faith You have and what/who it’s in….

12-27-2010 3P (Philosophy / Political Post) #3: Leading Emotions?

“Emotions have taught mankind to reason…”  (Marquis De Vauvenargues)

Most people do not associate emotions with reason; in fact, they see them as diametrically opposed.  Right now, with all of the political change going on (although i suspect it’s not the kind of change Obama envisioned), there is a lot of discussion about leadership.  A sub-issue has been the place of emotion in leadership, and i’d like to post about that topic today.

Human beings are – despite what anyone believes about it – triune beings with three distinct components that are inextricably linked: spiritual, emotional, and physical.  The physical includes the brain (mind) but also is very affected by the emotional.  The emotional is based in the soul or the animating force that we often refer to ambiguously as “Life.”  The spiritual derives from our spirit and is, by its very nature, eternal and not bound by this world.

Now, most people don’t understand those distinctions with any acuity, nor do they have any sense of how they interact with one another.  Eastern people tend to act and react primarily out of their soul, while Western people tend to act and react primarily out of their physicality (especially their mind-oriented (mental) intellect).  Very, very few people ever convert to existing primarily out of their spirits, for that is a long, arduous, and sacrificial journey that requires conversion by a force greater than themselves – and that kind of submission is not generally appealing to human beings when either of the other postures can often satiate the innate longings for "feeling right(eous)" with the opiate of religion.

Anyway, despite people’s lack of understanding, they get – to a great degree and mostly intuitively – the fact that emotions are part of every person.  Whether or not You wish Your company’s CEO or Your parent or child or Your religious leader or Your local/state/federal politician or Your whatever would act “objectively” (and, by the way, there isn’t such a thing) and without emotion is not the question, for that is impossible.  There is no Spock here – that’s why he’s a made up character in a bad TV series.

The best You may hope for with any semblance of potentiality is for someone to weigh their emotions in their decision-making appropriately when in relativity to their spirits and their minds/physicality.  Trust me, You don’t want  a ruthless, unjust machine making decisions about anything.  People tend to think (because they like to imagine a Utopian option where there is none, and this – among other things – is the problem with liberalism) that a “blind” justice system is a fair justice system, and it may indeed be fair.  However, it isn’t  a just system.  There’s a big difference between fair and just, and You should always be on the side of justice.

You’ve probably heard the old saying, “If God ever asks You whether You want justice or mercy, You’d better ask for the mercy.  Uh, exactly.

So, don’t get caught up (in the coming days, months, years, or political cycles) in the rhetoric about approaching things from an “across the board” mentality or a flat tax/fair tax or any of that other garbage.  Emotions are good, when ruled by the spirit.  Emotions are bad when they are exalted over the spirit.  The same goes for intellect as it relates to the spirit.  You should hope for people in authority to have a heart and a brain and use both accordingly.  You should hope they use neither exclusively.  You should hope they use their spirit more than either….

12-24-2010 F3A Post #2: Dear 8 lb., 6 oz. Newborn Infant Jesus…

“Christ was born in the first century, yet he belongs to all centuries. He was born a Jew, yet He belongs to all races. He was born in Bethlehem, yet He belongs to all countries.….”  (George W. Truett)

It’s Christmas Eve, and i’m in my apartment…alone…watching Boardwalk Empire.  i’m on Episode 3 now, and it’s better than i thought it would be….

 

It’s probably bad that – especially as a theologian and scholar – when i think of “Jesus quotes” the first thing to pop into my head is “Talledega Nights,” but – hey – there are worse things in Life.  On nights like tonight, though, i think of all kinds of other quotes…

 

Quotes from angels and prophets and blind people who got healed and people i’ve known who were lost and got saved.  They all remind me of that old Army slogan: You know, the one that said, “We do more before 6 AM than most people do all day….”

 

It’s like that with Jesus quotes, because He – the Word of God – did more before He ever uttered a word than most people do in a Lifetime.  i mean, let’s even throw out all the Old Testament stuff (which i wouldn’t, if i were You, but just for the sake of argument, oblige me for a minute…) and still the sheer amount of sacrifice is just stunning.

 

A decision made before time was created.  A covenant sworn between God and God.  A plan forged before angels existed.  A mystery kept for all eternity until He went back and commissioned us.  Patience while people suffered.  A harbinger in His cousin’s miraculous birth.  A joy in His own.  Laying aside each one of the many privileges of divinity like You and i take off a coat.  Forever changing his nature from divinity – first to humanity and then to deity….

 

A smelly stable.  An anxious mother.  A worried father.  Oblivious animals.  Traveling shepherds.  Singing angels.  Shining stars….

 

Faithful people.  Unfaithful people.  Some looking, some not.  Some hoping, some too distracted.  Some asking, some too consumed with the world.  Some trusting, some making their own way….

 

Tonight, i hope the mystery comes back for You.  i hope the wonder of it all comes back for You.  Not for Santa or any other saint, but for the One saints worship.  O that we might have a Messiah tracker and 10,000 angels pulling His chariot.  Maybe we should leave him milk and honey on the counter.  Perhaps we should wrap up spices and ointments and currency and put them under a tree….

 

Anyway, Merry ChristComing everyone.  i hope it comes every day for You now….

12-23-2010 Personal Post #2: Of Moving On, Remembering, & Perspective

[Note: By the way, i insert books, songs, movies, & other resources that have affected me in my Life alongside the text of my posts in an attempt to give You some reference points if You should desire them.  Obviously, i have no control over whether or not You purchase them, but i want You to know that i select what shows up in my posts (as opposed to elsewhere on my Blog) and that i choose them to go along with the topic about which i am writing that particular day…sk]

“You tried Your best and You failed miserably.  The lesson is ‘Never try’…”

(Homer Simpson)

“Don’t look where You fall, but rather where You slipped…”

(African Proverb)

“Expecting Life to treat You well because You are a good person is like

expecting an angry bull not to charge because You are a vegetarian…”

(Shari R. Barr)

“Live out of Your imagination, not Your history…”

(Stephen Covey)

“Sometimes it’s worse to win a fight than to lose…”

(Billie Holiday)

2010 is almost over, and i’m not sure exactly how i feel about that….

On the one hand, 2010 was one of the worst years of my Life, but – on the other hand – it had its moments and portends great things in the future.  The end of the year is always an important time of introspection for me, as i look back over the previous year and examine it with the LORD Most High.

2010 was supposed to be about changing the culture of my tribe, establishing godly physical habits, and fatherhood.  Well, it was certainly about those things.  my Tribe has pretty much been destroyed due to the divorce, but that is not necessarily a bad thing as those with whom i was traveling were not necessarily willing to go in the direction in which i was being led by the Holy Spirit anyway.  So, the resolution of that is a work in progress and remains yet to be seen.  i am indeed in a much better physical place than i have been in many, many years, and i am excited about that.  Issues like personal hygiene, diet, dress, and exercise as well as frugality, simplicity, stewardship, contentment, and solitude have all developed nicely in this last year.  And fatherhood – well, i can only say that i know more now than ever about what it means to be fathered, to be fatherless, and to father.  While i am still learning about all of those postures, i – for the first time in my Life – am actually in a place to embrace both husbandry and fatherhood.  There’s a lot wrapped up in all of that, and i am still unpacking much of it.  What i know right now is that 2010 was a year of radical, drastic change, and i am learning to cope with where it has all left me….

2011 is supposed to be about establishing a godly culture in terms of food, calendars, and other habits/customs/rituals.  i am sure more will be added in the near future, but i am somewhat overwhelmed with what i have so far to accomplish.  For the first time in probably 15 years, i have literally no idea what my Life will look like in a year.  i am excited about that and also (occasionally) a little anxious, too, but i’m focusing on the trusting faith of looking forward in the context of a track record of Abba taking care of me rather than the fearful skepticism of closing my eyes in an environment noised up by the lying of my enemy desperately trying to convince me that i am in danger.  i suppose, in the end, it’s like most days, when all i think that is of any value to say is, “Come, LORD Y’shua…Come!”

The quotes chosen for today are apropos.  Homer Simpson is the not-so-subtle voice of my generation, and his logic – while obviously flawed and even comical when he says it on the TV show – is not so easily discernible when You read it (especially if the quote isn’t attributed to him).  i think his quote is right, but just incomplete.  It should have read, “You tried Your best and You failed miserably.  The lesson is ‘Never try it that way again’…”.  There are lots of things that i can now look back upon (like my marriage) to assess, that – even a year ago – i couldn’t look back on to assess.  A year ago, i couldn’t look back on a failed marriage, because – although it had obviously failed years earlier – it hadn’t been acknowledged by the courts or my friends or my wife or i as a failure.  There was still hope that it might be resurrected and flourish in Life and turn out to be realized hope masquerading as a debilitated reality.

Not anymore.  No more fog in the way obscuring the view now.  Clearly, my marriage is over, and it can now be evaluated.  It reminds me of something Doc Holiday said once, “You know, i wake up every morning looking death in the face, and – You know what? – she ain’t half bad….”  Now that i am single again, it’s not that bad.  It’s not the end for which i had hoped.  It’s not the end for which i prayed.  It’s not the end for which i fought or remained faithful for many years or worked or any number of other things, but it’s an end.  And – to quote T.S. Eliot, and end is just a beginning disguised as something else.  After Living an exhausting, doped-up-on-futile-persistence, numbing, debilitating, anguishing, heartbreaking hell of an existence over the last 12 years, i am looking forward to seeing if i can screw up less the next time around – if there is a next time around.  And, if there’s not, then i’m looking forward to navigating singleness without the stupidity of extreme youth plaguing me.

i Love the African proverb, because it points out a Truth.  There’s a reason God told Lot’s wife not to look back, but – if You’re gonna do it – make sure to look at it with a forward purpose in mind.  Paul said it like this, “But whatever was to my profit i now consider loss for the sake of the Messiah.  What is more, i consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Y’shua Christos my Master, for whose sake i have lost all things.  i consider them all rubbish, that i may gain the Messiah and be found in Him – not having a righteousness of my own that comes from lawkeeping, but rather from that which is through trusting faith in the Messiah: the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.  i want to know the Messiah – and the power of His resurrection & the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings – becoming like Him in His death and so (somehow) to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that i have already obtained all this or have already been made perfect, but i press on to take hold of that for which Y’shua Christos took hold of me. Brothers, i do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it, but one thing i do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Y’shua Christos.  All of us who are mature should take such a view of things, and – if on some point You think differently – that, too, God will make clear to You.  Only let us Live up to what we have already attained….”  (Philippians 3:7-16)

The quote from Shari Barr is so necessary to remember in an oblivious culture like that of modern America.  First of all, we should not expect to be treated well in the world (we should expect the opposite), but You won’t be hearing any of that from our politicians, religious leaders (especially preachers), economists, assorted pitchmen, bosses or business owners, or other frauds (yes, i know there are exceptions).  America has been duped.  Americans have bought the opiate of optimism and are bleeding out the nose profusely and unstoppably because of it.  Life is a person, and He doesn’t treat us well because we’re good.  He treats us well because He is good – but that doesn’t mean our enemy in this war in which we Live lets all the “gooding” go on without a fight.  Presuming either that we are good (which we are not) or that we should be treated well based on either (take Your pick) that falsity or the even worse absurdity that such a negotiation is how the world works in just plain stupid.  Negative thinking is the only worse thing of which i know than positive thinking.  To have a chance, i am going to continue walking with the LORD Most High and letting Him renew my mind to think the way He thinks.

Stephen Covey is not nearly as much of a guru to me as he is to most people, but i think he’s right sometimes, too.  Here, i think he is on to something, although i would change “imagination” to “destiny,” but that’s really splitting hairs, i think.  The ability to create, as i wrote about previously this week, is a significant part of what makes us different from other animals.  The fact that we spend so much time reacting instead of recalibrating and creating again from a platform of koinonia is a plague on humanity.  For one, i intend to spend some time healing so that what i do in the coming days, weeks, and years is not a reaction to anything prior in my experience but rather a creation arising out of my ChristLife.

Besides the fact that i Love Billie Holiday, i can vouch that – in my Life, at least – it has been often worse to win than to lose.  Sometimes, Abba has let me have my way, and i watched out the window of the train car carrying me to my chosen destination as the Blessings He had prepared for me faded into the background.  Other times, i have been grateful to lose and watch the oppression that came from winning plague some other poor, unsuspecting soul rather than me.  Other times, i’ve just been so completely ignorant that i had no idea whether or not i won or lost, but i just knew providence was protecting me.  In the case of my marriage, at least i lost early enough to begin again.  In fact, 40 seems a natural breakpoint to me, and it can definitely be a moving on point.  Yes, indeed, sometimes it is better to lose than win, or – better and more accurately said as Billie confesses – it is indeed worse to win than to lose….

Well, we’ll see where things go from here.  For now, i am going home to my apartment to Live in the simplicity and quiet of loneliness, and – You know what? – she ain’t half bad….

12-22-2010 Theological Post #2: Kenosis & Intervention

“The only man we have any respect for is he who uses all the endowment he has – and uses it until he bleeds…”

(Martin H. Fischer)

“The naïve follow their hearts.  The wise lead with their hearts…”

(Unknown)

“What we do flows from who we are…”

(Paul Vitale)

“When i look for my existence, i do not look for it in myself…”

(Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin)

One of my very favorite Scriptures: “Let Your attitude toward one another be governed by Your being in union with the Messiah, Y’shua.  Though Y’shua was in the form of God, He did not regard equality with God something to be possessed by force.  On the contrary, He emptied himself in that He took the form of a slave by becoming like human beings, and – when He appeared as a human being – He humbled Himself still more by becoming obedient even to death, death on a stake as a criminal!  Therefore, God raised Him to the highest place and gave Him the Name above every name that – in honor of the Name given Y’shua – every knee will bow in heaven, on earth, and under the earth and every tongue will acknowledge that Y’shua the Messiah is ADONAI to the glory of God the Father.”

(Philippians 2:5-11, Complete Jewish Bible with minor revisions by me)

Thank God that He did not leave us alone or to ourselves or to our enemy.  Thank God.  It’s Christmas (which i don’t celebrate as a holy day, by the way, but i don't mind that You do...), so take the opportunity to remember that He came for us....

Recently, there was movie (which is showing on HBO this month, in case You would like to watch it in Light of this post) called Taken starring Liam Neeson.  The plot is that his daughter is taken to be sold into sex slavery while in Europe, and he – as her father – has to go find and rescue her.  In the end, (spoiler alert here), she looks at him crying and says, “Daddy!?!  You came for me!?!”  He replies, while embracing her, “i told You i would….”

In not leaving us or abandoning us or deserting us or forsaking us, it meant He came for us.  Therein lies maybe the most central tenet of a healthy belief in a father: he comes for his children.

In the Garden of Eden, He came for us…calling out to us…looking for us.  And so it has been ever since…

“As for Your birth, on the day You were born, Your navel cord was not cut, nor were You washed with water for cleansing.  You were not rubbed with salt or even wrapped in cloths.  No eye looked with pity on You to do any of these things for You – to have compassion on You.  Rather, You were thrown out into the open field, for You were abhorred on the day You were born.  When I passed by You and saw You squirming in Your blood, I said to You – while You were in Your blood (as an infant) – ‘Live!’  Yes, I said to You while You were in Your blood, ‘Live!’ ”

(Ezekiel 16:4-6)

Playing football in high school, i was once sandwiched in a collision in which an all-state linebacker (~ 6’2” and about 225 pounds) ran as fast as he could and then hit me and drove me into the cornerback who was following about a step behind me.  The quarterback threw a perfect pass to me, and i caught it.  Then, i turned to look upfield and…WHAM!  i broke my arm and had a minor concussion, but i didn’t know any of that until several hours later, because – at the time – i couldn’t breathe.  The breath had literally been knocked out of me.  As i laid there thinking i was going to die (and – if You’ve ever had the wind knocked out of You – You can attest that You can’t think about anything else), my coach came for me.  He simply said, “Shane, You’re going to be OK – just breathe….”

As a small child (~ 5 years old), my family was walking in freezing temperatures in Pennsylvania beside a creek.  The muddy ground gave underneath me, and i was swept into the freezing water and carried away.  Grasping at limbs from the worn-away root systems of trees on the edge of the water, i managed several hundred yards downstream to hold on until my dad came and gave me a limb and pulled me to safety….

A jail cell for Wyatt Earp.  A hospital for countless millions.  A party with no sober drivers left.  A folded flag in a military cemetery.  An orphanage with too many.  The Truth is fathers come.  They come for their kids….

As He converses with the woman at Jacob’s well, Y’shua tells her, “But an hour is coming – and now is – when the True worshipers will worship the Father in Spirit and Truth, for such people the Father seeks to be His worshipers….”

(John 4:23)

“Kenosis” is a term derived from Philippians 2:6: “[Y’shua] – Who being in the form of God – thought it not robbery to be equal with God, but instead He emptied [ekenosen] Himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in the likeness of men, and in habit found as man.”  The word “kenosis” means to empty one’s self, and it is used as a description of what Y’shua did when He came for us.  He let nothing – especially the privileges of being Divine – get in His way of coming.  Fathers aren't proud - they are relentless....

The Kingdom of God is mostly about koinonia, but – inherent in what the koinonia involves – is intervention.  We are not alone.  Thank God.  And we are not left taken off by an enemy - we are rescued.  To the extent that we become like our Father, we come for others - because He came for us.…

This week, i watched The Last Of The Mohicans again (my first time since seeing it when it initially came out).  The central pivot of the movie is when the man says to his Love, "No matter what happens - i will come for You...i will find You!"

One of Y’shua’s Names in the prophecies of the Old Testament is “Everlasting Father.”  He came to fellowship in the fire with Shadrach, Meshach, & Abed-Nego.  He came to comfort Mary & Martha and then to resurrect Lazarus.  He came to free the demon-possessed man who hid in the hills.  He came to heal Jairus’ daughter and Peter’s mother-in-law and the lame man and blind man and so many others.  He came to call Paul.  He came to preach to the spirits in prison.  He came to reassure the scared disciples in a locked upper room.  He came to protect the fisherman fighting the storm.  And – and don’t forget this – He came to You.  He came for You.

After all, He said He would….

12-21-2010 Cultural Post #2: The Sing Off (and other assorted socially acceptable exploitations)

“Poets are shameless with their experiences – They exploit them.”

(Friedrich Nietzsche)

For a few brief weeks, the FaceBook posts of many of my a capella-singing friends have been filled with references to a show on TV called “The Sing Off.”  Apparently, it was a show featuring all-vocal groups and was very popular.  Good.

Those of us who grew up singing a capella music (whether in church or school choirs or on street corners or even semi-professionally or professionally) have long known the joy that singing brings.  There just aren’t many more fulfilling things in the world than hitting a beautiful jazz chord with a 13^th in it in the format of an all-vocal group….

But, alas, i digress (kinda).  Today, i wanted to write about (at least in a broaching-the-subject kind of way, even though there will undoubtedly be many other references to this topic) what has been happening for a long time in our culture regarding the exploitation of artists, the commercialization of art, and the culture of beauty.

The world has never been a painless place.  Even in the Garden of Eden (which many people ignorantly imagine as some kind of Utopia), there was pain.  When i was a youngster, i grew up in a religious tradition that was borne out of a simpler time and in a part of the world that was largely poor.  One of the theological impulses of that movement was to look to God as a comforter Who would take away all pain, and, therefore, the movement adopted an unhealthy focus on the afterLife.  By the time i arrived on the scene, almost all the hymns we sang in the church services were either about the suffering of Y’shua Christos on the cross (also an unhealthy focus) or Heaven (a supposed Utopian place where there is vindication, ecstasy, and other unfathomable-while-here-on-earth kinds of notions).  In any event, the fact of the matter is that pain has always existed on the earth and always will, despite our objections to it to our Creator (Who seems to know what He’s doing, so i’m inclined to trust Him that there must be a “good” purpose in the existence of pain and probably one that would indicate that pain itself is not evil, but, alas, that is for another time…) or our celebrities’ attempts to decry it or our governments’ foolhardy endeavors to eradicate it or whatever…

Pain.  OK…deep breath.  Gasp of reality.  Yep, it’s still there in all its splendor.  Pain.

So, what do we do about it?  Isn’t that the question everyone asks?

Personally, i don’t worry much about pain these days.  i’ve experienced so much of it in so many ways, that frankly i guess i’ve come to be a bit numb to most of it.  Even when i recently visited the dentist about my tooth, he just shook his head and said, “i have no idea how You have managed to survive with that for three months, but i know most humans wouldn’t have lasted two days.”  And that’s been a recurring and typical thing for doctors to say to me over the years.  Pain is just part of the equation to me, and i’ll address it when and if i can.  Otherwise, no sense in lamenting it – just get on with what Life You have and do something useful…

Instead of focusing on pain, i think we’d be better off focusing on the opposite of pain.  Obviously, that begs the question, “Well, then, what is the opposite of pain?”  The answer, to me at least, is beauty.

Now, at first that may seem strange.  Consider, though, the notion of Love and what the opposite of Love might be.  Many people would immediately presume the opposite of Love to be hate, but most thinking people agree that the opposite of Love is apathy.  So it is with pain – it’s opposite is not immediately obvious.

Pain.  i would argue that pain is most successfully counteracted with beauty.  This was the point of a well-known movie called “Life Is Beautiful.”  The thing about pain is that it exists as the focus of our attention until something overtakes it as the object of our consumption.  Normally speaking, nothing can compete with beauty as a means of diverting, distracting, or capturing the attention of a human being.

Beauty is best expressed in humanity via the conduit of “art.”  Now, art can be a lot of things.  In fact, art isn’t any one thing as much as an approach.  You can be artful about engineering or programming code infrastructure or organization of a government as much as You can about music or poetry or painting.  Ask any woman if there’s an art to being wooed, and You are sure to discover either a fulfilled woman who has been pursued and won over or a sad woman waiting to be….

In our culture (since that is what Tuesday posts are about), we have reduced everything to a science or a business or a power play and left very little room for art.  Instead of seeing science or business or politics as endeavors which would be enhanced by an artful approach, we have roped off certain activities and called them art and then declared that they aren’t worthwhile on their own without being commercialized in their purpose (business) or enhanced in their usefulness (science) or co-opted in their progress (politics).

That saddens me.  It saddens me, because art is not the point.  Beauty is the point, and art is the means.  Art is the process that our Creator bestowed into each of us, so that – from an innate intuivity – we might infuse every endeavor of our Life to be not just purposed, useful, or progressive but beautiful as well.  Why?  Because beauty shifts our focus off of pain.  Beauty makes us remember.  Beauty inspires us to dream.  Beauty reminds us of our Creator….

i hope You watched The Sing Off or The Last Comic Standing or The Biggest Loser or something this past year that caused You to cry and inspired You and made You say – even if only to Yourself – “that’s just a beautiful moment.”  If not, then rent “Life Is Beautiful” and watch it.  Most importantly, though, embrace the pain…the pain in Your Life, the pain in the existences of those around You, and the pain that maybe You can learn to notice that is the focus of so many in Your path each day.  And then remember, You have the antidote: You can employ the creative resources in Your possession to artfully go about Your tasks and bring about beauty….

No human has the ability or the right to banish pain.  Instead, we were given a greater calling: to render pain secondary to the beauty we create around us.  Creating beauty in the midst of circumstances laced with broken people, painful circumstances, and arduous opposition is our gift to one another.  It's a kissing cousin to God's gift to us: redemption.  And if we could all learn to appreciate the art in each other before we die (since our track record says we value artists more once they're dead but oftentimes only once they're dead), then maybe we wouldn't have to resort to pimping out certain activities by shock-jockeys, hot celebrities, and eccentric jerks in order to see a point in it all.  After all, if Your idea of art is a cross in urine or spray painting someone else's property or an auto-tuned karaoke track to pornography masquerading as a music video or a play about the virtues of homosexuality or rebellion or whatever, then i feel really sorry that You have so little beauty in Your Life, because beauty might cause You to rethink some of that....


Carry on my wayward son....