[Note: By the way, i insert books, songs, movies, & other resources that have affected me in my Life alongside the text of my posts in an attempt to give You some reference points if You should desire them. Obviously, i have no control over whether or not You purchase them, but i want You to know that i select what shows up in my posts (as opposed to elsewhere on my Blog) and that i choose them to go along with the topic about which i am writing that particular day…sk]
“You tried Your best and You failed miserably. The lesson is ‘Never try’…”
(Homer Simpson)
“Don’t look where You fall, but rather where You slipped…”
“Don’t look where You fall, but rather where You slipped…”
(African Proverb)
“Expecting Life to treat You well because You are a good person is like
“Expecting Life to treat You well because You are a good person is like
expecting an angry bull not to charge because You are a vegetarian…”
(Shari R. Barr)
“Live out of Your imagination, not Your history…”
“Live out of Your imagination, not Your history…”
(Stephen Covey)
“Sometimes it’s worse to win a fight than to lose…”
(Billie Holiday)
2010 is almost over, and i’m not sure exactly how i feel about that….
On the one hand, 2010 was one of the worst years of my Life, but – on the other hand – it had its moments and portends great things in the future. The end of the year is always an important time of introspection for me, as i look back over the previous year and examine it with the LORD Most High.
2010 was supposed to be about changing the culture of my tribe, establishing godly physical habits, and fatherhood. Well, it was certainly about those things. my Tribe has pretty much been destroyed due to the divorce, but that is not necessarily a bad thing as those with whom i was traveling were not necessarily willing to go in the direction in which i was being led by the Holy Spirit anyway. So, the resolution of that is a work in progress and remains yet to be seen. i am indeed in a much better physical place than i have been in many, many years, and i am excited about that. Issues like personal hygiene, diet, dress, and exercise as well as frugality, simplicity, stewardship, contentment, and solitude have all developed nicely in this last year. And fatherhood – well, i can only say that i know more now than ever about what it means to be fathered, to be fatherless, and to father. While i am still learning about all of those postures, i – for the first time in my Life – am actually in a place to embrace both husbandry and fatherhood. There’s a lot wrapped up in all of that, and i am still unpacking much of it. What i know right now is that 2010 was a year of radical, drastic change, and i am learning to cope with where it has all left me….
2011 is supposed to be about establishing a godly culture in terms of food, calendars, and other habits/customs/rituals. i am sure more will be added in the near future, but i am somewhat overwhelmed with what i have so far to accomplish. For the first time in probably 15 years, i have literally no idea what my Life will look like in a year. i am excited about that and also (occasionally) a little anxious, too, but i’m focusing on the trusting faith of looking forward in the context of a track record of Abba taking care of me rather than the fearful skepticism of closing my eyes in an environment noised up by the lying of my enemy desperately trying to convince me that i am in danger. i suppose, in the end, it’s like most days, when all i think that is of any value to say is, “Come, LORD Y’shua…Come!”
The quotes chosen for today are apropos. Homer Simpson is the not-so-subtle voice of my generation, and his logic – while obviously flawed and even comical when he says it on the TV show – is not so easily discernible when You read it (especially if the quote isn’t attributed to him). i think his quote is right, but just incomplete. It should have read, “You tried Your best and You failed miserably. The lesson is ‘Never try it that way again’…”. There are lots of things that i can now look back upon (like my marriage) to assess, that – even a year ago – i couldn’t look back on to assess. A year ago, i couldn’t look back on a failed marriage, because – although it had obviously failed years earlier – it hadn’t been acknowledged by the courts or my friends or my wife or i as a failure. There was still hope that it might be resurrected and flourish in Life and turn out to be realized hope masquerading as a debilitated reality.
Not anymore. No more fog in the way obscuring the view now. Clearly, my marriage is over, and it can now be evaluated. It reminds me of something Doc Holiday said once, “You know, i wake up every morning looking death in the face, and – You know what? – she ain’t half bad….” Now that i am single again, it’s not that bad. It’s not the end for which i had hoped. It’s not the end for which i prayed. It’s not the end for which i fought or remained faithful for many years or worked or any number of other things, but it’s an end. And – to quote T.S. Eliot, and end is just a beginning disguised as something else. After Living an exhausting, doped-up-on-futile-persistence, numbing, debilitating, anguishing, heartbreaking hell of an existence over the last 12 years, i am looking forward to seeing if i can screw up less the next time around – if there is a next time around. And, if there’s not, then i’m looking forward to navigating singleness without the stupidity of extreme youth plaguing me.
i Love the African proverb, because it points out a Truth. There’s a reason God told Lot’s wife not to look back, but – if You’re gonna do it – make sure to look at it with a forward purpose in mind. Paul said it like this, “But whatever was to my profit i now consider loss for the sake of the Messiah. What is more, i consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Y’shua Christos my Master, for whose sake i have lost all things. i consider them all rubbish, that i may gain the Messiah and be found in Him – not having a righteousness of my own that comes from lawkeeping, but rather from that which is through trusting faith in the Messiah: the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. i want to know the Messiah – and the power of His resurrection & the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings – becoming like Him in His death and so (somehow) to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that i have already obtained all this or have already been made perfect, but i press on to take hold of that for which Y’shua Christos took hold of me. Brothers, i do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it, but one thing i do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Y’shua Christos. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things, and – if on some point You think differently – that, too, God will make clear to You. Only let us Live up to what we have already attained….” (Philippians 3:7-16)
The quote from Shari Barr is so necessary to remember in an oblivious culture like that of modern America. First of all, we should not expect to be treated well in the world (we should expect the opposite), but You won’t be hearing any of that from our politicians, religious leaders (especially preachers), economists, assorted pitchmen, bosses or business owners, or other frauds (yes, i know there are exceptions). America has been duped. Americans have bought the opiate of optimism and are bleeding out the nose profusely and unstoppably because of it. Life is a person, and He doesn’t treat us well because we’re good. He treats us well because He is good – but that doesn’t mean our enemy in this war in which we Live lets all the “gooding” go on without a fight. Presuming either that we are good (which we are not) or that we should be treated well based on either (take Your pick) that falsity or the even worse absurdity that such a negotiation is how the world works in just plain stupid. Negative thinking is the only worse thing of which i know than positive thinking. To have a chance, i am going to continue walking with the LORD Most High and letting Him renew my mind to think the way He thinks.
Stephen Covey is not nearly as much of a guru to me as he is to most people, but i think he’s right sometimes, too. Here, i think he is on to something, although i would change “imagination” to “destiny,” but that’s really splitting hairs, i think. The ability to create, as i wrote about previously this week, is a significant part of what makes us different from other animals. The fact that we spend so much time reacting instead of recalibrating and creating again from a platform of koinonia is a plague on humanity. For one, i intend to spend some time healing so that what i do in the coming days, weeks, and years is not a reaction to anything prior in my experience but rather a creation arising out of my ChristLife.
Besides the fact that i Love Billie Holiday, i can vouch that – in my Life, at least – it has been often worse to win than to lose. Sometimes, Abba has let me have my way, and i watched out the window of the train car carrying me to my chosen destination as the Blessings He had prepared for me faded into the background. Other times, i have been grateful to lose and watch the oppression that came from winning plague some other poor, unsuspecting soul rather than me. Other times, i’ve just been so completely ignorant that i had no idea whether or not i won or lost, but i just knew providence was protecting me. In the case of my marriage, at least i lost early enough to begin again. In fact, 40 seems a natural breakpoint to me, and it can definitely be a moving on point. Yes, indeed, sometimes it is better to lose than win, or – better and more accurately said as Billie confesses – it is indeed worse to win than to lose….
Well, we’ll see where things go from here. For now, i am going home to my apartment to Live in the simplicity and quiet of loneliness, and – You know what? – she ain’t half bad….
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