“Only a Life Lived for others is a Life worthwhile…”
(Albert Einstein)
“We must be willing to let go of the Life we have planned,
so as to have the Life that is waiting for us...”
(Joseph Campbell)
Shakespeare had Hamlet ask, “To be or not to be – that is the question…,” but – as i enter a new period of my ChristLife (again) – i have come to believe that the primary question in Life is not “whether or not to be” but rather what is the LORD Most High attempting to make us be (since that would imply that whatever He is attempting to morph us into is indeed what He designed us to be)?
Recently, i have endured an disorienting experience – divorce. In fact, i am still (and always will be) enduring it. So, You should know that my Personal Posts in the future are not the musings of some young, unexperienced, green-behind-the-ears punk, nor are they the theoretical concoctions of some affluent, ivory-tower scholar/artist/therapist/counselor who has no idea what the real world is like. On the contrary, i know exactly what the real world is like, and i fight in it – and against it – every single day.
These personal posts will not be negative, but neither will they be shallow. Often, supposed and seeming positivity is the result of not going deep enough to encounter sharks or from embracing some astoundingly stupid form of dismissive or oblivious optimism that discounts the fins circling You as the predators close in with every revolution. No – the positivity of my posts will be the wine wringed from the labor of picking, sorting, washing, crushing, cooking, distilling, and fermenting grapes. The only positivity i have found worth embracing and keeping is the kind that comes at the end of a long day of labor, and i intend to be brutally honest, relentlessly pursuant of Truth (i.e., Y’shua’s perspective), open-minded to my own faults, deficits, and blame in my Life as well as being open-minded to others’ faults, deficits, and blame, too, and neither dismissing or excessively focusing on their parts in the problems that currently plague me.
Today’s post is about where the LORD Most High leads me from here, and He has been calling me toward a Life that matters…that is significant…that leaves an impression…that begins a legacy…that breaks generational curses and personal bondage and tribal iniquities and replaces them with generational Blessings and personal liberty and tribal righteousness. And – beyond that – a Life that is fulfilling to me as well. He wants me to have a Life that is full of zest and passion and intensity instead of lethargy and apathy and indifference…that invigorates me and energizes me instead of dulls me and drains me…that i anticipate instead of dreading. The LORD Most High has always called me to a Life that – in His words – glorifies my Father and benefits those with whom He puts me in contact, but i think my understanding of exactly what He means by that both has grown much recently and also will continue to grow even more as this new period unfolds.
To start, i want to say a few things about my wife (and, yes, i still refer to her as my wife – even though we are divorced – because that is what she was…kinda like calling a former president “President” so-and-so). That’s not a holding-onto-the-past thing as much as it is a respect thing. Having witnessed literally hundreds of divorces in my Life, i think one factor that contributes to former spouses not treating each other with respect is the thinking that they are not linked anymore, and that is simply not True. Spouses are linked for Life, whether or not they remain married all of their Lives. At the very least, they are part of each other’s narrative, and – at most – they are joint parents to children. So, my referring to my former spouse as my “wife” is a sign of respect.
And my wife is worthy of respect. She is a remarkable person who is amazing in many ways. As i mentioned earlier, i am going to be honest about the fact that she has deficits and faults and blind spots and issues, but everyone has those things – not just me and not just her. And the fact that she isn’t perfect doesn’t mitigate in any way the fact that she is an amazing person who is worthy of respect and honor and esteem. While i was always mindful of how great a person she is when we were married, i didn’t always do well at focusing on those things instead of her lesser qualities. But this is a new period in my Life, and i want to Christen this new period with a newfound resolve to focus on her greater qualities when i speak or reference her from now forward. That doesn’t mean i won’t refer to our problems or issues or her specific struggles when i am discussing my Life now and how i am coping with moving forward, but it does mean that i won’t dwell on her issues (since the point is to let You know how i am doing) and i won’t use the fact that she isn’t perfect to somehow grant me an excuse to belittle, degrade, or blame her.
To be sure, both of us hurt one another and caused each other enormous grief, anxiety, and a host of other pains over the more-than-a-decade that we were married. Neither of us are beyond blame, but both of us are good people in the sense that we belong to the LORD Y’shua and carry His Light and Love inside of us. i am a richer human being for having had my wife in my Life as a friend, but we should not have gotten married and that is my fault. i settled for marrying a person i didn’t Truly Love in a romantic way, and my pride in wanting to stay together and not admit my mistake caused a child to be born who will have to deal all of her Life with divorced parents. i should have gotten divorced much earlier and way before we had a child together, but it was my sinful pride that kept me from doing so. Not only was i prideful, but i was also selfish in wanting her to change to accommodate me and stubborn in not being willing to change to accommodate her – although i don’t believe either her or me evolving into someone who wasn’t True to the LORD Most High’s unique design of each of us would have been healthy, either. It reminds me of a statement that Albert Einstein used to frequently make, “Women marry men with the hope they will change, and men marry women with the hope they will never change. Invariably, both are disappointed.”
While i would not say that the years spent in my marriage were wasted, i would say that they almost destroyed me and indeed have ruined parts of me that will have to be carefully recultivated if there is ever to be any good and useful fruit from me. The beauty that can be brought forth from the ashes of my marriage in my own personal existence is yet to be seen, and the LORD Most High is known – as much as anything – for His ability to make good out of bad. Therefore, i cannot look upon the years of my marriage as a waste when my God has claimed the exclusive right to redeem any horrible situation that i encounter and use it for His good.
What i do see in those years is a man who was completely miserable and who grew in spite of his marriage instead of because of it. Our marriage was awful on the first day, and it got worse almost every day afterwards. Rarely can i remember any joy in those years, and there was certainly no ecstasy. The struggle of every single day to just feel valued and also to deal with the constant fear (which was eventually realized) of being thrown away as unkeepable was an unbelievable burden to bear. i believe that the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual stress of those years probably took years off of my Life as i tried to cope with all of the competing interests, debilitating emotional sparring, interpersonal dysfunction, frustrating miscommunication, and relentless antagonism between us. i have emerged a lesser man: not broke, but in debt beyond my ability to ever pay unless a miracle occurs…not with no reputation, but with a reputation as someone who i would abhor myself and a name that has largely been destroyed in the circles in which i run…not with no future, but with a future that has been severely handicapped…
Don’t get me wrong, i have hope. In fact, for the first time since before i was married, i am hopeful about my future. Several years ago, i had a vision from God. It is the only one i have ever had, and in it i was instructed by Y’shua to speak Life to people. i am not the man the LORD Most High designed me to be just yet. The man He designed me to be and is calling me to be is a man who speaks His Life to people, who prefers family, who honors his parents, who will not speak ill of any person, who keeps covenants and is faithful, who defends his friends, who is able to walk in trusting faith for provision and protection, etc., etc. Right now, that’s not an accurate description of me, but it will be some day…
Before my existence here is finished, my Father will succeed in making me into the man He designed me to be – and that is my hope: that the One Who began a good work in me will be faithful – and is able – to complete it. That man is a kind son become a gentle father - an orphan who is adopted and grows and matures to become a father to many...an abandoned person who becomes a refuge for runaways, throwaways, & other "aways"...an impoverished person who becomes a faithful steward of much...a person who matures into one who utilizies his talents and gifts and passions for the glory of His Father and the benefit of those with whom the Father Blesses him to interact...a person who speaks Life and not death or limbo or mere existence...a person who Blesses others...a person who is hospitable and gives comfort...a person who counsels wisely and for godly purposes...a boy who becomes a man who is like his Father and represents his Father faithfully.
This is my hope, and it is also the path to a Life worth Living. It reminds me of the hymn i sang growing up, “my Hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness…i dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ Name…On Christ the solid rock i stand – All other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand….”
Selah….
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