“Price is what You pay. Value is what You get...”.
(Warren Buffett)
When i was married and trying desperately to salvage that relationship, i agreed to go to counseling with my wife. We went through about three or four therapists before she found one she respected, and that therapist became her private counselor. Occasionally, i was asked to attend a session, so that the therapist could address both of us. During one of the joint sessions, the therapist defined the value of a man in this way: “a man is typically valued in how they perform in three areas: as an earner, as a Lover, and as a father.” Immediately, i knew that the counsel my wife was receiving was not going to be good for our relationship or with regard to me. Indeed, it wasn’t favorable at all, and now i know that all kinds of things that weren’t OK with me were not only being suggested to but also advocated to my wife. It is now apparent to me that we never stood a chance while these kinds of thought implants were being cultivated.
The sting of the therapist raising those three criteria was devastating to me. It is something from which i still have not fully recovered. As an “earner,” i have never made more in a year than i made doing upper-level restaurant management in my early 20s (about $30K annually). As a “Lover,” i barely know my way around a bedroom to find my clothes or work the remote, much less Love someone. And as a father, i fear that the Lives of my children will be irreparably damaged and infected by their sentence of being my child….
Now, it’s not that i don’t think i have anything to offer. i do think i have things to offer in each of those ways. In fact, i think i have much to offer in each of those ways. However, i know a Truth that most people don’t know and that Warren Buffet accurately articulates above: Value is not easily appraised.
This week, i presented my bosses with a way to substantially increase their profits every year and adjust my job description in a way that more accurately reflected what they said they wanted when they hired me, too. Their reaction was that they perceive me to be of substantial value but don’t really like me personally and aren’t really happy with my performance (mostly because i’m too good at what i do and get bored and don’t manage my boredom either in the exact same way that they do or how they would prefer me to manage it). i left that conversation frustrated, angry, resentful, & unmotivated. Rarely have i felt so belittled, misunderstood, or at a loss for how to move forward. i presented something positive for them professionally, and they responded with negatives about me personally. Amazing….
i know in my head that my value as a person is not in what work i perform, but it still hurts in my heart to have people who ought to be grateful that i even choose to grace their presence treat me as if i’m a blood-sucking, pesky mosquito. Knowledge-wise, i get that my value is not in my abilities to “wow” a woman in bed or be Ward Cleaver as a father, but it still devastates me in my heart to have a woman perceive me as useless (in any regard, but especially sexually) or a child perceive me as irrelevant as a father. i don’t feel like i have to make as much money as Bill Gates, be as sexually adept as Warren Beatty, or function as well in a fathering role as the best father You know, but i still long to be good at all three. i hope to make the people around me proud of me in those roles.
One of my goals in Life is to appreciate people for who they are and recognize the proficiencies and functionalities in their Life despite the obstacles they have had to overcome to be thus. It is always nice to find people who appreciate me and take those realities into account when estimating me, so i want to be that way toward others in order to encourage, inspire, and support them. i want to encourage You today to appreciate people for the value they contain and not for the skill they possess…to appraise them based on the benefit they provide and not the function they perform…to recognize them based on the reality of who they are and not for the perception of what they do.
You can pay a lot, or You can pay a little. Price, though, has very little to do with what value You receive in return. That depends on You, and not the seller. Value is the purvey of the possessor. We all know people who have some trinket or quilt or baseball card or whatever that is of very little monetary value but holds great sentimental worth to that person. Well, the opposite is True, too: You can possess something of great monetary value that is not worth much to You. As far as i am concerned, i am glad to be of immense value to my Father, whether or not anyone else would spend a penny on me or pay a dime for me. He doesn’t value me based on what i do or how successfully i perform. He isn’t interested in selling me, so price is of no consequence to Him. However, my value to Him is Truly priceless, so He treats me very well.
Would that all of us should have such a healthy view of others and such an accurate appraisal of their worth. Value is based on what You think of something, and i know what He thinks of me….
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