i would just like to say on the record today that i have been wanting to mention this all week and have refrained until now. i want to say “Thank You” to Lara Logan, CBS News’ Chief Foreign Correspondent. i have been a fan of Lara’s for a long time and recently enjoyed her 60 Minutes report on the most successful sports-better in the world. i just watched her on The Charlie Rose Show a couple of weeks ago and was moved by her analysis of the events she had been covering in Egypt before returning. Her analysis was the best and the most Truthful of any i have heard. Lara has been a fearless and insightful reporter in foreign locales for years, and — despite what people might think often attracts men to her — i have always been attracted to her reporting based on her unique perspective, journalistic professionalism, and idealistic objectivity. i am very selective about who i allow to present “news” to me, and i try to listen only to people who are serious, able to consider other points of view without sacrificing their personal convictions but also without being intractably dogmatic, and who are experts in their arena who have the capacity to provide insight. Lara meets all those criteria...
Lara returned to Egypt to cover the celebrations over Hosni Mubarak leaving, got separated from her security detail and journalistic companions, was surrounded by a group of thugs, and then endured over a half hour of sexual assault by several men. It breaks my heart for her, her family (whom she discussed with Charlie only days before the event and their fears for her safety), and for the people at CBS News who Love her as a colleague and have responsibility for her welfare. i want to wish Lara a speedy recovery physically, a perfectly-paced path of healing and wholeness emotionally, and a spiritual reality of peace, continued courage, & hope for the future as she deals with all of this trauma. Lara, we are praying for You. Be Blessed, Lara….
Well, today is Finday (Friday), so it’s the Friday-Free-For-All. Lately, i’ve been posting things i used in my family to Bless them, but my computer has crashed rendering access to such things impossible temporarily. i may soon post the personal calendar i use for each month of the year i observe at the beginning of each month. You may have noticed that i call the nights/days (Yes, i begin each day at sunset and not at midnight) & months by different names than the Western world or the Jewish society. As always, there is a reason for that different nomenclature, and i will begin explaining more of that as it begins in April (when the new year that i observe starts).
However, for today, i think i will blog about being “stuck.” It seems to me that many people are stuck in their Lives. i know i have been for several years. In my personal situation, it was the result of a multiplicity of factors including (but not limited to) my education and its impact upon my career arc, my marriage, my personal giftings and their value to society, my desires, my immaturities & maturities, my fears, my past hurts, traumas, & experiences, and much more. Being “stuck” and existing in limbo is no way to go, but it’s hard to get out of that rut once in it. At that point, my own personal experience is that it feels more confining than optional and more like a prison than a rut….
Part of the issue for me is giving myself things. i’ve always been a good gift-giver, but i haven’t always been a prolific gift-giver. In other words, people Loved the gifts i would give them, but i didn’t give them a lot or at the expected commercial holidays of American culture. However, when i began counseling to deal with the abuse i suffered as a child, one of the first things my counselor told me was that i was going to have to learn to be “good” to myself — because i wasn’t….
Hmmm…i had never really considered that, per se. i don’t guess — even with all my training in various things — that i had ever thought about how i treated myself. Instead, i focused all of my energy on how i treated others. That may be a noble notion, but it’s also misguided and naive….
A teacher whom i greatly respect used to routinely say to me in various contexts, “You can’t give out of what You don’t have…”. He meant that if You aren’t forgiven, then You can’t forgive. If You’re not wealthy, then You can’t be generous monetarily. If You’re not courageous, then You can’t encourage. When my counselor told me that i would have to learn to be good to myself, my teacher’s words echoed in my mind and the two statements came together for me.
Now, i know that i must learn to be good…to myself and to others. So, my divorce has triggered a lot of introspection, reflection, & self-examination with a few questions at the center of the self-dialogue. One of those questions has been, “How can i be good to myself?” A follow-up to that has been, “What can and will You give to Yourself to allow You to be more at shalom (peace)?” That means that i have to be able to answer with specifics of what can and will i give to myself…restrict from myself…allow for myself…deny myself….
When i became single again, i gave myself time. For the last twelve years, i have devoted myself to something that no longer exists: my family. i no longer have a family. i have a daughter and an ex-wife — and i have what Americans would call a “family” — but, in Truth, i have no family anymore. The slate is blank. So, where should i go? What should i do? How should i spend my time? With whom should i interact? There are lots of questions. The courts will force me to do some things. The ex-wife will demand i do certain things. Employers and creditors and all kinds of people with whom i’ve spent the last twelve years building something that has collapsed will all have ideas about how to answer those questions, but they aren’t me and they aren’t God. Their opinions don’t count. i can’t fight the courts — not that i would want to. i can’t please my ex-wife, which is why i’m in this situation now. The others don’t even register on the radar. So, it remains for me to attempt to heal from hurts, grow in maturity, leave behind old obstacles, and carefully choose profitable relationships. Going forward, i have questions to answer, and formulating the answers will take time. So, i gave myself time…time to settle, time to reflect, time to think, time to heal, time to maybe dare to hope again….
Also, i am giving myself a break. i could be hard on myself for so many things, but i was extremely hard on myself during my entire marriage and all it got me was grief (from the pain of being hurt), depression (from the joy of Living), and loss (as in a loss of proper esteem for myself as i came to believe i was useless to anyone for anything). Being hard on myself is the last thing i need to be right now. Sure, it’s not good to sweep things under the rug or not admit my mistakes or try to justify wrong behaviors, but i’ve never done much of those things to begin with. Instead, i’m usually the first to acknowledge how wrong or hurtful or selfish or immature i am or have been, but that is rarely met by people in my Life (or at least the ones who have been there screaming the loudest) with any kind of mercy or leniency or grace. So, i need to give myself a break, because no one else is going to do it (or at least very few people)….
Additionally, i am giving myself freedom. i think the thing i Loved most about my Life before marriage was my willingness to learn and experiment and try. That all stopped when i got married, because my risks were shared with others and, in particular, my wife. When others don’t share Your risk aversion index, it is difficult. Fortunately, my ex-wife was up for most stuff and only got less so once we had gotten burned when some things didn’t work out as we had hoped. For me, i have learned to trust the LORD Most High regardless of how things work out — and that doing so is a much better option than shutting down or closing up just because something didn’t work out as i thought it should. However, i understand that others aren’t like that. i’m not like that naturally, but i have become like that over years of walking with God. So, i’m giving myself freedom again…freedom to try & fail, freedom to experiment, freedom to do new things, freedom to try again, freedom to watch others & learn, freedom to be led by God….
Anyway, that’s just my thoughts this Finday as we finish up another week at work. i’m going to pick up my daughter for a three-day weekend and take her swimming tonight and out for a hamburger.
Well, today is the end of my tenth week blogging. To me, that is a significant milestone as a writer. i would Love to hear some feedback from You guys who read this Blog as to whether or not it is impacting You, whether or not it matters or makes a difference, or with any suggestions to make it better. Currently, i’m just trying to be faithful to blog consistently and to be honest with myself & You, and to address things about which i feel passionate. Let me know Your thoughts….
I'm reading. Gaining insights....thoughts to ponder.
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