Ünday, Matamín 18th, 7703 (Tuesday, 02-22-2011) Cultural Post (CP Article) #10: The Expectations Game

“Ambition is the last refuge of failure…”.
(Oscar Wilde)

“Expecting the world to treat You fairly because You are a good person is

a little like expecting a bull not to attack You because You are a vegetarian…”.
(Dennis Wholey)

“Keep high aspirations, moderate expectations, and small needs…”.
(William Howard Stein)

Well, i was going to write a scathing article tonight about Wisconsin and how both sides are completely wrong, but i think i’ll focus on more broad concerns as i blog about our expectations being out of whack.  Expectations play a key part in each person’s Life.

i am choosing to write about expectations, because they spring from an entitlement mentality.  Expectations are predicated upon a reasonable assumption that derives from a “right” (entitlement) to something.  In America in 2011, You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who does not think they are entitled to a great deal.

Now, the reason we think we are entitled to any particular thing may be radically different, politically speaking.  For example, most people who lean left believe they are entitled due to their belonging to the human race — in other words, they believe being human entitles them to certain things and a specific kind of Lifestyle.  They will use words like “dignity,” “morality,” and other terms that they assign ontological, humanistic, and existential meanings and try to argue that entitlement springs forth from a value beyond human calculation.  Curiously, they often are atheistic or, at the very least, hostile to God in their philosophical formulations — a strange posture for someone arguing for ethics.  On the contrary, most people who lean right believe they are entitled due to their work ethic or their belief in productivity.  In other words, they believe they have done the requisite work, accomplished the mandatory minimum, or performed the required task to “deserve” their reward.  It is not an entitlement that springs forth from value like that of the left persuasion as much as it is an entitlement that results from a quid pro quo.  Those who default to a productivity rationale (like capitalists, for example) believe that they are entitled to their expectations based on the notion of stewardship.  If i pay Your salary as a citizen taxpayer, then i have the right to expect You to wait on me at the DMV instead of making copies for the March Madness pool, for example.  In all of these cases, expectations derive from a sense of entitlement that spans the political gamut.

Expectations are dangerous, and they should be handled with care.  As a cousin to their less-pretty relative called “Assumption,” expectations are often more noble in their clothing.  They claim to have firm footing, to be reasonable, to be logical.  Don’t fall for it — it’s a trap.  Another cousin to expectation, “Intentions,” is similarly troublesome.  Intentions like to parade around as if they are a walking get-out-of-jail-free card.  They are the public professional athletes & celebrities who expect to be let off the hook for their drug addictions, harmful behavior, and outright rudeness based solely on who they are.  “Don’t You know who i am,” intentions like to ask.  Don’t buy it — they will hurt You….

You should be careful of having expectations of anyone — even Yourself.  Unless You are in a covenant with someone (and even then, You shouldn’t count on them as if they are above reproach) or unless we are talking about God, You should rarely place expectations on others.  Doing so puts them in a no-win situation and sets You up for disappointment.

Now, i’m not saying it’s quite like Doc Holliday’s response to Wyatt Earp (Wyatt asks, “Is that supposed to let me off the hook?”  Doc replies, “There is no hook, my friend. There's only what we do…”).  That would be too fatalistic.  What i am saying is that when we impose arbitrary expectations on people, we are bound to be disappointed when they either can’t Live up to them or else didn’t know they were supposed to Live up to them.  It’s unfair to ask a fish to mow the yard or to ask a cat to give the dog a bath.  It doesn’t work that way.  Similarly, it’s unfair to ask a healer to harm or a counselor to just “git ‘er done” or a soldier to look at the larger picture.  It’s unreasonable to ask a politician to solve problems, because politicians — by definition — cause problems instead of solve them.  It’s unreasonable to ask a union to concede, because their whole purpose for existing is to push and push and push.  It’s unreasonable to ask a spouse to be God or to ask God to be human.  It’s unreasonable to expect a child to be an adult or to ask a parent to not be concerned about their children.

Today, maybe we could all take a step back and examine our expectations.  Why do we feel entitled to something from the people from whom we expect to receive?  What is it about our outlook that makes us believe we deserve or have a right or should receive something from that person or institution or group?  i will submit to You that You very rarely have the right to expect anything from someone, and — when You do have a valid assertion — You need to be careful about the boundaries and parameters and extents of those expectations.  Personally, my motto with regard to expectations is an adaptation from a quote in Machiavelli’s The Prince (later recited as the Godfather’s belief in The Godfather, Part II and see a very interesting discussion on Machiavelli here) that one should “Keep Your beliefs close and Your expectations closer...”.

The fact is we are not entitled to much, except the right to choose how we use our breath, time, & Life.  Accordingly, i believe we should spend less energy being frustrated at the disappointed expectations we had for others and spend more energy receiving gratefully what we are given or investing energy to cultivate different outcomes by a better process and not by more leverage.  Just a thought….