A farmer walks into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asks, “May i help You?”
The farmer answers,
“Yea, i want to get one of those dāvorces.”
The attorney asks,
“Well, do You have any grounds?”
The farmer replies perplexedly,
“Yea, i got about 140 acres.”
The attorney says,
“No, You don't understand…Do You have a case?”
The farmer responds in obvious disdain (having clearly been insulted),
“No, i don't have a Case, but i got a John Deere.”
“No, You don't understand,” replies the attorney,
“i mean do You have a grudge?”
The farmer scratches his head and says,
“Yea, i got a grudge — that's where i park my John Deere.”
The attorney says,
“No Sir, i mean do You have a suit?”
The farmer wonderingly replies,
“Yes Sir, i got a suit. i wear it to the church on Sundays.”
The exasperated attorney asks,
“Well, Sir, does Your wife beat You up or anything?”
The farmer replies,
“No Sir, we both get up about 4:30.”
Finally, the attorney asks,
“Okay, let me put it this way: Why do You want a divorce?”
The farmer contemplates for a moment and answers,
“Well, i can never seem to have a meaningful conversation with her…”.
The past few months have given me extensive opportunities to reflect on the past: my past Life so far, my past actions, my past friends, my past relationships, etc., etc. One of those reflections has been something that several friends have said to me in the last three months or so. More than five friends have said something similar to: “Wow, it’s like we finally got the old shane, the good shane back…”. Well, maybe….
As i have queried my friends when they make a comment like this to see exactly what they mean, their answers have all had to do with joy & happiness. Apparently, i wasn’t a very happy person when i was married, and — also apparently, at least to my friends and people who knew me before i was married — i seemed to lose the joy that had so characterized me before marriage once i got married.
It’s strange hearing Your friends talk about You as if You just woke up from a coma or just returned from serving in a war overseas or just survived a plane crash. It’s odd hearing them describe You as “better” or “normal again” or “Your old self” or whatever. i’m not sure i like it, but i understand what they mean completely.
Have You ever burned Your tongue on hot chocolate or coffee (for those of You with addictive personalities, a penchant for denial, and way too much money)? You know how You can’t taste anything for a few days and then — one day, BAM! — You’re eating and rediscover that food has taste? That’s how i feel lately. It seems like i can taste Life again….
A few weeks ago, i was out at a restaurant with a friend who was buying me dinner. He was concerned about me, and so we went to eat and talk about the divorce and my Life & future. At one point, i needed a refill, so i took my drink glass up to the counter. While i was there, i began kidding with two guys who were working behind the counter. Eventually, a girl got involved and the four of us were just laughing and having a great time. Apparently, i had said something that sparked all this.
When i returned to my seat, my friend commented. He told me that he watched me as i went up to the counter and noticed how relaxed i was as i interacted with these people i had never met. He remarked that i seemed (though out of earshot to him) “aLive” again, and that the old way i engaged with people and made them laugh and put people at ease and genuinely cared about people is what it looked like was happening with these three younger people. i was a little taken back when he told me that he was glad to know me again….
Again? i wondered aloud if he hadn’t been glad to know me for any length of time, and he responded simply, “No, not since You got married. i haven’t been glad to know You and i really haven’t wanted to know You.”
Wow. We’ve known each other a long time. That really stopped me in my tracks. It was a wake up call to me, but it hasn’t been an isolated incidence. Friends have told me all manner of encouraging-but-hard-to-hear things lately. All of them have been glad to know that i am divorced now — not because they didn’t like my ex-wife or thought poorly of her or anything like that. On the contrary, those of her who knew her at all really liked her and are sad she’s having to go through the pain of a divorce. Toward me, though, they have all (with only one exception) been glad to see us get divorced, because (in their words one way or another) i am not a walking picture of depression anymore.
i guess i never realized how much marriage had weighed me down and fundamentally altered my personality. The friends who have been courageous enough to speak to me in detail and who knew me before my marriage and during it have said some hard things to me. All of their comments have not been nice — some have been brutal. However, they have been True, warranted, and helpful to me.
When we were married, one day my wife left me a note that read, “Don’t let anyone — even me — steal Your joy.” Well, she didn’t steal my joy, but i don’t know why she wrote that except that, apparently, i had no joy in my Life at that point after 10+ years of marriage. i thought about that note a lot; every day for weeks, as a matter of fact. i still think about it several times a week.
When i was young, i believed so much that things would be good for me. i believed that i would have opportunities, that people would like me, that i could contribute things to society people would appreciate, that i would value others & that they would value me, that i would look back someday on my Life with gratitude, humility, & gladness in my heart…and then i got married.
Sure, there were bad things that happened to me before i got married. Tragedy is no stranger to any of us. We all lose. We all suffer. We all fall. For me, though, i had an optimistic outlook that things would get better.
i don’t know what part marriage played in all of that changing. i’m not sure it’s fair to say that marriage ruined me or that being married was the worst thing that ever happened to me. i know it sure feels like that most days, but i don’t know if either of those things are accurate to believe or say. And i know it wasn’t my ex-wife, per se. She is an amazing person who deserved so much better than me, and she and anyone who knows her will readily tell You that. All i do know is that marriage triggered something in me…something dark…something awful. i look back at things i did and said while i was married and think, “Who was that person? That’s not me! i’m not like that…”. It’s kind of comforting to know (even with the hard comments) that my friends and people who have known me since before my marriage also will testify to those facts: that i wasn’t like that and my behavior & actions while married were not consistent with who i was (and Truly am).
So, now i’m trying to rediscover joy and relearn happiness. i am attempting to just be myself and i am indeed enjoying Life again. i don’t fight the expectations of in-laws or the pressures of being a husband that used to drain me dry before i even got up in the morning. Apparently, i’m so incredibly selfish and so incapable that just managing my own Life is all i want to do and all i can do. i mean, i know the testimony about me all of my Life from others has been that i am generous, unselfish, and capable, but i just am not sure how True the outward appearance of all that is in reality. It seems to be all i can do to just take care of me and invest what little energy i have left over into the Lives of a few people for whom i deeply care.
Joy & happiness: i may not deserve either, but i am going to hold on to both — if i can….
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